See the joy of networking services failing is that you find yourself with surprisingly lots of time, and “resorting” to ways outside of what you typically and routinely know. I’m sorry to say this, but unfortunately my boyfriend is somewhat stuck in that predicament, of all situations, most definitely not the likelihood of such to coalesce with a busy and highly internet dependent college student. Mind you: a NURSING student. 

So here I am, at this early hour, usually i’d be laying bed, laptop to my right, Skype blazingly bright with my oh so sleepy boyfriend snoring away. It really is a sight to see. However tonight, with by some higher power’s doing, led to well, as what some would call “the end of world”; a life without tv or internet. At least for now. 

“Well Marc, at least you guys have working cellphones.”

Indeed you’re right. Nostalgic, brings me back to when we first just started dating, be on the phone for hours, falling asleep together on the phone, a symphony of snores and deep sleep. I love it. And I love him for it. Sometimes I can’t get my head around the fact that, I am so lucky, to have someone as patient and willing to..sleep on the phone, just so that he feels that much closer to me. I once wrote in this lovely tumblr world of ours, that we are miles and miles apart, but no matter the distance, there stands none between us but the love we have for each other. 

“Is it because it’s almost Valentine’s Day?”

HAH! That is coming up huh? You know hopefully one day, we wouldn’t have to keep asking to be each other’s dates. Maybe one day i’d like to say that I’m spending time with my hubby and I couldn’t imagine spending it with anyone else. 

I think about this often, on and on and on, as if wishing for something that just quite isn’t there, and i fear that maybe it’s never going to be there. We grow up, life moves on, things change. Change is good right? I believe so. Or rather, I want to believe in the power of change. No matter what, after struggling up that one big hill, to no one’s surprise, there are many others after which all seems unending. What is the price to be content? What should we do to see that “happy” exists? Does it truly exist, or is it just temporary? I feel as if it comes around all the time, but it never really always stays put. Isn’t that what makes it exciting and unpredictable? Feel free to disagree, its ok, I feel the same way. 

I thought things were finally turning around. But maybe i’ve just rolled down one hill, and struggling to get on top of another. Some people are on top of the world, while some of us fight against the weight of what lies ahead. 

Maybe I just need sleep, i’ve been grinding my mind. white knuckles. hm.

Another day….”check.”  

It’s dark out when I come in to work and its dark out when I leave, but every time I get inside my car and start its engine, I can’t help but feel like I didn’t do enough. They tell me to forget about the floor, what you did today and work once you leave those hospital doors, but obviously its easier said than done. Beeping IV pumps ring over and over in my head, the look of worry and concern on my patients and their family, their hands grasping mine in appreciation of our service. You can say I’m an emotional train wreck, and as overwhelming as it is, you’d never guess from the look on my face. There’s no where to hide and cry even for a minute, to question whether I’m cut out to do my job, did I choose the right thing? But after dark, the moments you really remember are the ones that remind you why you’re here in the first place. To have someone look at you in all their mishaps in a hospital gown, that if they ever believed in angels, they’re staring at one as they speak. 

I once asked a nurse if and when all of “this” gets easier, and as expected they said,

“Of course it never gets easier. It just becomes second nature, and you do it out of love.”